Human
by CatsbytheGreat
Summary: Loki is made human as his punishment. This is just another lie.


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Enjoy!

* * *

Odin's punishments have never been creative, but they are effective. He strips Loki of his powers, and, after making arrangements with the Midgard association SHIELD, sends Loki to Earth.

SHIELD gives him an apartment and a bank account and an identity card that reads Loki Laufeyson and believes that he won't be a danger to society as a mortal. But they are wrong. Loki isn't dangerous because he is (was) a god. He's dangerous because he can think, and he can think dangerously.

When he lands, he laughs. He laughs when SHIELD agents, including Agent Coulson, the one he had supposedly killed, take him to his apartment and deposit him there. And he still laughs when they slam the door shut and leave him alone to live his new life.

Loki stops laughing. He turns on the light. He knows how mortal technology works. He makes his way to the washroom and looks in the mirror.

His skin looks translucent, his hair is too long, too black against his skin. His eyes seem too large. He can feel the blood in his veins.

And this, too, is a lie.

He looks at his hands, thin, and at nails that aren't nearly long enough. But there is a razor in the medicine cabinet. And he takes this razor and puts it against the skin of his arm, right where blood thrums through a vein close to the surface.

He is a lie. And perhaps he can find himself underneath this false skin, whether it be the Loki of Asgard or the Jotun blue Loki that he has always despised. But either one would be better than this fragile mortality, this most terrible of all lies.

He watches the red pour out of his skin, watches everything turn red until it is black.

SHIELD watches. They have been watching the whole time, and when Loki wakes up he is in a hospital, with tubes in his veins and healers watching him and he can tell by the frantic beat of his heart and the struggle for breath and the pain in his arms that are covered in bloodstained bandages that he is still human and he is not himself.

Agent Coulson is there, the mortal who defied mortality.

"Lies," Loki gasps.

"You almost died," Coulson says in that calm voice of his, face expressionless though Loki knows he must feel so much, as mortals tend to do.

"You," Loki tries.

"Why did you do it?"

"You were dead."

"Technically, I wasn't," Coulson tells him. "Just really badly injured. Only a certain amount of SHIELD knew I was alive for a time. But why did you do it?"

"This skin is a lie," Loki says. "This body is not mine."

"It is now," Coulson says.

"Why?" Loki suddenly feels anger surge within him and his voice rises, almost sounding hysterical. "Why must this body be mine? It was never mine. It has always been a lie but I believed the lie enough for it to be true and then _he took that body away and replaced it with another lie_-"

"Loki," Coulson says.

"-and I want it BACK!" Loki feels out of breath and his heart races and he feels disgusted with himself for this weakness because this isn't him.

"You won't get it back," Coulson tells him, unyielding. "This is the life you have now. Learn to live it."

"What would you know of living a lie?" Loki asks.

"I'm a secret agent," Coulson says, "so, a lot."

And then he leaves.

Loki watches the heart monitor and wonders what Odin and Thor would do if it just…stopped.

* * *

"I can't do this."

The next time Loki awakens, he hears voices. Luckily, they are real.

"You can do this," the second voice says. "It isn't that hard, trust me."

"Yeah but, you see, last time we talked I turned into the Other Guy."

"Yeah, and last time we talked he threw me out a window. And I think we both had it better than Clint."

Loki opens his eyes and starts at the presence of Bruce Banner and Tony Stark. Banner isn't the monster now, but he could be. And Loki's bones will break and splinter under his skin and pierce his heart.

"Glad you're awake," Tony says. "Heard you tried to off yourself the other day, but come on, being human can't be that bad."

"I've been assigned to your case," Bruce adds, almost apologetic sounding about the whole thing. "As your physician."

"My healer?" Loki asks. Bruce nods. Loki stares at him. "You break bones, you don't heal them."

"I do, actually, among other things," Bruce says. "SHIELD thought I might keep you in line. They also want to get you a psychiatrist but they think we might be able to get through to you. Tony likes to talk and I know a little bit about being in the wrong skin, so to speak. And we're both better than Natasha, I think you know that."

"Or the Hawk," Loki suggests, licking his lips, which are too dry.

Tony and Bruce exchange a concerned look. "Clint hates you," Tony says, finally. "If he talks to you it'll end in tears. For you."

"Look, we just want to know that when we release you, you won't go harming others or yourself," Bruce says.

Loki tries and fails to sit up straighter. He feels dizzy from the effort. "Why?" he asks. "Why the concern for my wellbeing? If I die your problems will be solved."

"Why did you do it?" Bruce asks.

"This is not my life!" Loki screams, taking them all by surprise.

"It is now," Tony says after a moment.

"Not my choice," Loki snaps. "Not my body. I am not _this_."

"Who you are isn't determined by what body you're in," Bruce tells him.

"Get out," Loki growls. "Now."

Bruce and Tony hesitate, but leave. Loki is alone again.

* * *

The nurses put something in his arm. It is a medicine that makes him feel as if he's forgotten how to feel. Everything is dull and time passes, and then Loki forgets that time is passing and can't recall how he spent it. All he knows is that it is gone, and at some point he ends up back in his apartment with a bottle of pills and these dulled feelings.

He still knows what these feelings are. He still feels pangs of anger and sadness and hatred, but they are not directed and they come and go quietly, and at some point Loki ends up in bed with tears running down his cheeks and no idea why he's crying or how he's got there.

But he feels fear because everything is so uncertain. He isn't himself. He isn't in a familiar place. And he doesn't know what to do with himself.

He hadn't found his true self underneath this mortal skin. There is no magic for him to turn to. And he is alone, weak and now with a limited life span. If he listened he think he can hear the clock ticket and each minute takes away a part of his life.

How do humans live like this, he wonders. Always anticipating the day their body will just

Stop.

And they know it will be soon. Death is imminent and it is guaranteed. And Loki, though he has faced death before, hasn't faced it like this. It is certain and soon and because his body will fail.

And then the medicine makes him forget that, too.

* * *

"Loki."

The sound of his name cuts through the fog his mind has surrounded itself in and he looks around. He's sitting on a park bench. There are tall buildings surrounding the trees. He doesn't remember walking here.

Bruce Banner stands in front of him, looking worried.

"Go away," Loki says.

"Thor wanted me to check up on you," Bruce tells him. "He's concerned."

"He's not my brother," Loki sighs. "Even this is a lie."

Bruce frowns at him. "I think the medication is doing you more harm than good."

"What good is feeling if I have nothing to feel for?" Loki asks. "This is not my life."

"It is your life," Bruce says. "You need to make it your life. This is your punishment. Accept it and move on."

"I am tired of being given a life to live by others," Loki snaps. "A life that is not my own."

"Make it yours," Bruce repeats, slowly. "Seriously, you have nothing here. No expectations. No job. No title. You could do anything short of taking over the world. You're smart."

Loki looks up at him. "What is your equivalent of magic?"

Bruce laughs. "Some people think science is magic. Some people practice actual magic but it doesn't really do anything. Some people are magicians but that's just slight of hand and tricks."

The fog shifts.

"Your science…"

"You might like physics," Bruce says, "or biology."

"The woman," Loki murmurs, not hearing. "She tried to open doors to other worlds." A pause. "I used to walk between the worlds. There are paths there."

"What woman?"

Loki sighs. The sun feels warm against his cold skin. "I need to speak to Jane Foster."

Bruce shifts on his feet. "I'm not sure-"

"If you do one thing, do this."

Bruce does.

That night, Loki stops taking the pills.

* * *

The nightmares are terrible.

For all that Loki is mortal, he still remembers what happened Before, and he still sees the horrors of the void, and his final fight with Thor, and the moment his skin turned blue and he looked into the blood red eyes of a frost giant and they both knew.

But Loki can think more clearly now, and he can remember, and when he finds himself in Stark Tower in one of the labs with Jane Foster, he feels glad that his brain is in proper working order.

The introduction is stilted at best. They both have heard of each other, and both feel wary of the other.

But then Loki can lose himself for the first time since he's been cast out in Jane's equations and models and data. All of it is invigorating, and it speaks to him in a way that nothing else except magic has spoken to him, and he can learn these equations and this new language.

And he knows that it won't work.

When Jane asks why, he says, "It's missing something." That something is magic, and it is something in a completely different language from Jane's language. A language that she has not the organic energy to replicate.

"You could travel between the worlds by yourself, though, right?" Jane asks. "You could even teleport between two places."

"Yes," Loki says.

Jane nods. "This could be useful. You see, humans have been trying to travel to other planets, but they're so far away it would take more years than we have. We need a way to travel faster. Tell me how you did it."

Loki stares at her. "You wouldn't understand."

"Then put it in my language, how you walk between the worlds," Jane says, "and I'll try to apply it to what we have here. I think this could work."

And this is it. This could be his life. Odin has taken away his magic, and his years, but he hasn't taken away his mind. And Loki can find a way to get some of that back.

"I will try," Loki says, and they shake on it.

* * *

Loki works with little sleep, and little food, and he works in Stark Tower. He barely notices the presence of the Avengers, how Tony Stark watches him with an amused smirk because he's actually doing something productive. He doesn't pay attention to Jane and Darcy's suggestions (gentle and sometimes not so gentle) to get sleep. The work is hard. He has to learn calculus and advanced physics before he can with confidence convert his magical theory to something useful, and he is painfully aware of the clock ticket, not only for him, but for Jane.

He tells himself he doesn't notice Thor. Thor visits Jane. And Thor looks at him, sad and wistful, but Loki buries himself in his work and doesn't look back.

He doesn't know how much time has passed, but it does pass. The days seem impossibly short and the weeks too quick. Jane has a birthday, snow falls on the ground, flowers bloom and Loki isn't sure how they got there. His work grows and he makes progress. And his body is just a tool, a thing he uses to further the pursuits of his brain. He barely pays it any mind, just knows that he has to keep it alive.

Thor is persistent.

One night, Loki finds himself forced back to his apartment, and Thor sits in the living room, waiting.

"What are you doing here?" Loki asks.

"Jane is going out with friends tonight," Thor tells him, "and I wanted to talk to you."

Thor hasn't changed. He still looks muscular and blond. Loki knows he himself has changed; he is thinner, his black hair longer, and exhaustion mars his features.

"You still see Jane," Loki says.

Thor looks confused. "Yes."

"She will die," Loki tells him, "and leave you. Her time is almost over."

"She is young," Thor says.

"She is mortal."

"Is this what mortal is to you?" Thor asks. "Waiting for your death?"

"No," Loki says, "but I know it's coming. I'm working on a project. I have a limited amount of time."

Thor stares at him. "You won't die tomorrow," he says finally. "Or even next year."

"How do you know?" Loki snaps. "This body is so fragile. You have no idea, Thor. You spent three days as a mortal. You didn't have to look forward to dying as one."

"I did die as one," Thor reminds him. "You-"

"Stop," Loki says. "It is not the same. Odin would not bring me back."

"That isn't true," Thor says.

"What do you think this punishment is, Thor?" Loki asks. "This is my death sentence. Drawn out and painful, but still with the same result."

"Loki," Thor tries.

"No. Don't talk to me about this. I don't want to hear it."

"He'll bring you back."

Loki laughs. "This is my life. He won't bring me back." A pause. "I won't let him."

Thor takes a step back as if he's been hit. "What?"

"I won't let him take from me what is mine," Loki tells him.

"Loki, you're not in the right mind-"

"I am in nothing but the right mind, Thor. He's taken much from me over the years, but this is my choice. I refuse."

"Loki." Thor chokes on his own voice. On tears. On sentiment.

"This isn't a punishment," Loki says. "Not anymore."

When Thor leaves, he feels something. Another man might mistake it for sadness, but Loki is not that man.

* * *

There are many ways for mortals to die. Loki has heard of them and knows them well. They can be wounded, ill, caught up on accidents, poisoned, killed by nature, too old, too young, too weak to give birth to a child, too overwhelmed by pain, driven by lack of feeling or by too much feeling.

It starts as a cold that he ignores in the final frenzied days of his work, before he hands it off to Jane to review, and turns into what Dr. Banner calls a flu that he also ignores while following the process of gaining funding to create actual prototypes with the government organization. And then he passes out in the lab right after Jane tells him that they're going ahead with the project.

He wakes up in SHIELD's hospital, because SHIELD likes to keep tabs on him. Dr. Banner tells him that he has pneumonia and that there's fluid in his lungs.

Loki doesn't respond because there is a mask over his mouth and nose, helping him breathe. Which is good, because breathing seems difficult at the moment.

He can't think properly. Everything is slower and hazy around him, and his body aches and feels heavy. Breathing is a conscious act that feels like work. Sometimes he wakes up gasping because he believes he's been drowning.

Thor visits him and places a cool hand upon his forehead, brushing hair back. The hand feels large and good and reminds Loki of when they were children and used to be less different, less hostile towards each other. Back when Loki was innocent and Thor was his brother. But even if Loki wanted to say something to Thor now, he can't because of the mask, and even without it he would not have much breath for words.

Part of him isn't even sure what he'd want to say to Thor. He could say "I hate you" or "I'm sorry" or "I love you" and they would all be true.

The nurses and doctors claim to be giving him medication to make him better, antibiotics, but Loki feels only tired and heavy, and eventually Dr. Banner has to admit that nothing is working, that Loki has not been gifted with a strong enough immune system to fight this off, that this disease had gone ignored for too long.

"I'm not sure if we can cure you," Banner says, and he actually looks sorry.

Then Odin appears.

Or it could be Thor. Loki isn't sure.

Behind the mask, he moves his mouth and manages to make sound come from his throat for the first time in—weeks? Days? Time is nothing to him anymore.

"I did it," he gasps.

There is no response. He never expected one.

"Let me die," Loki adds. "I won't…go back. My choice." A pause, as he gathers breath. "Not my punishment. My reward."

Odin disappears. Loki sighs and allows his eyes to close.

And he feels relief.

* * *

Dr. Banner unplugs the machinery that has been keeping Loki alive and wraps the body in blankets. There is a small funeral. Loki is buried in a large cemetery, his body burned to ashes at Thor's request. It is not a proper funeral for one such as Loki, but it is close enough.

And part of Thor isn't convinced.

He asks Jane where the machines that fly into space will take humanity, and she smiles and says, "Anywhere. Different planets, galaxies, places no one has discovered yet. One day."

"I would like to know of these planets," Thor says.

"You probably do," Jane tells him. "But Tony and I can keep you informed, and so can SHIELD." Even after I'm gone, is the unstated sentiment.

Thor heads back to Asgard, and splits his time between Asgard and Earth, and prepares to be Asgard's king one day.

Loki does not reappear. And Thor does not ask Odin about it, because he does not want to know.

Loki wanted to die, but Thor wants his brother back. And he can wait. He can die waiting, and perhaps he will see Loki after death, if he does not meet Loki during life. He prays that wherever Loki is, alive or dead, that he has found peace.

But he can always hope, and so he does. He waits for his brother.


End file.
